Defiance…

Tonight was a really difficult night, and not necessarily because of the amount of children had. Even though we did have quite a few.

Tonight felt like the love that I was trying to give these children was unwelcomed. No matter how much I cuddled the babies, or sat with the teens, I experienced a healthy dose of rejection. One toddler screamed every time I came close and she even physical assaulted me, if you call repeated slaps to the face and chest from a 1.5 year old assault. I tried to give another child a pair of socks and she started bawling because her sister was in the shower. I told her she would have to wait for her sister to come out of the bathroom and order to see her. I was dead to her at that moment. She pulled away from me screaming. One teen girl ran from our area and proceeded to try to run away from the facility when I told her it was time for bed. I had to chase her down to keep her from running into the streets.

It seems like I’m a glutton for punishment because I keep coming to this place day in and day out, but honestly I have a kind of easy. I know that there’s a group of people out there that experience this kind of hurt on a daily basis from the same children. These are foster parents. They’re caring forchildren who have never experienced healthy love and acceptance. As a result, these parents who have lovingly accepted this child or children into their home feel rejection on a daily basis because the child or children they  are caring for do not know how to accept their love.

My heart aches for these children. I want to just hold them and let them know it’s going to be okay. I want them to come and just automatically feel an enlightened sense of self-worth when they come through our doors.

This does not happen regularly or even some of the time. This is rare. We experience defiance, opposition, and rejection from child in some form or fashion when they come to our facility. I can’t blame them. They’re being torn from what has been the reality for God knows how long, to trying to be part of a world that is so foreign to them because it does not include pain or hurt like they have experienced before. Not that being part of the dependency system isn’t painful in its own way, but its not the same type of pain as the abuse or neglect that they have experienced in their homes.

How do I deal with this? How do I come away from these experiences not feeling so drained an empty? It’s not easy, and honestly there are some nights I do feel empty and drained. Mostly, I leave my to work every night knowing that I am part of something bigger. I have the opportunity to be part of the healing process for the innocent. I am charged with being able to impart love , light, and truth in the lives of people who don’t have it. My love tank is filled regularly by the Lord because I know that he has equipped me with everything I need for this part of my journey, including the thick skin I need to handle the unwantedness that occurs with this position.

Yep, I’m tired, but I know that tomorrow is a new day. Lord keep my heart soft and resilient. I know what I am experiencing right now is nothing compared to what you feel when we daily continue to crucify you by our sins and neglect in communing with you. If this is how you keep my heart humbled and in check, then so be it!

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