Eight years… I have been in south Florida for almost eight years. October will be my anniversary month and it’s not too far off.
Most of my real adulthood has been in this foreign landscape of feeling like I am just existing. The best way I can describe it is that I went on vacation in October of 2005, and I am still trapped in the resort.
One thing that I have noticed is that I have never referred to south Florida as “home.” When I say home that always means going back to Atlanta. Now, I have no desire to live in Atlanta again, but it is still home for me. Nothing has been able to take its place.
This resort that I am in…I keep walking down these intricate hallways called years…some bright and fresh, while some are dark and smokey. Others quiet. The running theme is that the carpeted path in all of these hallways are bulky, torn up, and stained. I keep stumbling down the hall hanging on to God’s hand for dear life!
I also feel like I’m blindfolded and with the free hand I’m feeling on these doors. Some doors are locked. Others are easily opened and I go through them. Initially when the blindfold comes off it seems tranquil, well because anything is better than the hallway. I may lay on the bed in this room or even hang out on the balcony searching for sun, but I haven’t been allowed to spend a great deal of time in these rooms. Some for good reason, and others it’s a mystery. Before I know it I am back in the hallway. Sometimes with a stern yank of the arm, many times willingly being rescused while sobbing in the corner of the bathroom. Every time I’ve asked why I was in the room in the first place. The blindfold returns to my eyes and I again continue this march to an unknown place. Holding on to God with one hand, reaching and feeling for the doors with the other.
The last eight years I have opened many doors, and the rooms all have a familiarity….I wasn’t meant to stay in them.
I am ready to leave this resort in exchange for another. I need a newness that this destination can no longer offer. I want to go home, but not the one from my origin, and not my heavenly home. I want to find my fit. I want to go to the place where I am happy to return to after being away.
I’m not sure if this truly exists or if this is a fantasy. I’d like to think it does. I don’t know if I would have felt the same no matter what destination I chose in 2005. The reality is that God had blessed each step of the way, and I am thankful. He has provided when it made no sense. He gave me Patmos.
Now I am feeling a season of change. It’s time. No more treading water or floating through the breeze with no intentionality. I know I should be flexible, but I should also have goals. The scary thing is I don’t have any concrete goals right now. I hadn’t realized this until today.
I have had an attitude of “if this works out, then I guess I’ll be here…”, meaning if whatever situation I found myself in was fruitful then I would continue to reside in Florida.
Hmm…is this attitude truly pleasing to God? Is this what Jesus meant by “drop your nets and follow me?” When Jesus moved, it was always Spirit led whether it was to be with the masses, be with his chosen few, or go to specific people that were far from him in heart. Jesus never stayed in one place too long because the work to be done was expansive and still is.
Leaving my position at the University of Miami was the biggest spirit led move to date. Since then, ministries with which I have been involved have slowly been stripped away. It’s almost like God is trying to show me that I can’t linger. I must work and move on. Also this attitude of if and when….well…God is showing me that all my plans are crap lol. He is going to move me somewhere, but I need to quit stalling by holding on to the things that don’t need to be in my hands.
I need to stop going in doors thinking that I’m home. That song, Call Me Maybe, comes to mind…so annoying.
He wants to place me in a new temporary home off this island, but it’s like I didn’t want to go before. Was it fear? Was it laziness?
All I know it’s that I have my passport in my hand and I have my luggage packed…Lord where are we going? I am ready now.
Daughter, put your blindfold back on. I’ll never let you fall. Just trust that I will bring you to a place that will exceed your expectations. Let me have ALL if you. Let no part of your being be hidden away. Let me hold both of your hands this time. Reach out only for me and I’ll bring you through the door I intended. I allowed you to go through other doors because you have free will and I always hoped you would see that my love for you is greater than what you think, which in turn would cause you to leave that room with me. Sometimes you were in a room to learn and other times you went into a storage closet that wasn’t a room in which to dwell in the least. I love you more than your language could ever express. Follow me. Choose me. Cling to me. I will give you a wealthy life. I will take you home.
This is my infinity year. Turn 8 on it’s side and that’s what you get. This sets the course for the rest of my human existence. My Genesis Revelation. I’m excited about what is next. I’m nervous and a little hesitant to step out if this box I have created. Rather than be cliche and say “let go and let God,” I will proclaim: Cling tight an and be led by God!
To infinity and beyond!