My Heart’s Desire…


OK… isn’t that picture absolutely ADORABLE?! This picture is obviously staged, but it still epitomized what I would love to have one day.

Relationships are a bit of a conundrum to me. I don’t know why.  I have read and studied a lot about them, especially in the context of what God expects of us as couples. Theologically and theoretically it all makes sense. Have I been able to recreate this in my real life… nope.

When it comes to understanding this very large and important role, this is me trying to figure it out…

ImageSo…good and godly relationships are possible?

OK, let me think about it…

 Snapshot_2013506 (2) And he is supposed to find me?


Snapshot_2013506 (3)

Interestingly enough I have a lot of single female friends of all ages and they are really great women. What saddens me most is that I know a lot of wonderful, God-fearing women who are in their 40’s and 50’s who remain unmarried and uncoupled. That breaks my heart because I don’t know if that is how God designed this life to be. Our society is warped. We have some seriously mucked up values as a whole. “Free” love has turned out to be very costly to relationships. The lack of commitment has created a society where anything goes and if you don’t like it, throw it away and start over. That makes me sad.

God said in Genesis 2:18 “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’ ”  Our creator recognized that we as humans needed companionship. He recreated the loving relationship he has for us in a tangible way between a man and a woman. It’s supposed to be beautiful and glorify him. It is a singular ministry. Now we all know what Paul says about marriage  in 1 Corinthians 7:8 “Now to the unmarriedand the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.”   He also goes on to say that if you aren’t able to control yourself, then you should marry. Paul is talking about sexual immorality here. If you want to scratch the itch, then you better get the right prescription.

I do think that maybe there are some people who have lived fruitful and fulfilling lives alone; however, I don’t think that I have that spiritual gifting, nor do I want it (God please, please, please, I don’t want that one…)! Every year that goes by and every failed relationships that I emerge from makes me wonder if this will ever happen.

Then there is the reality that honestly, life is so much easier as a single person. You can come and go as you please. You don’t need permission, and you don’t have to really make a compromise on what you want to do. You can do awesome things and not have to worry about someone missing you. I know this may sound like a rant from a bitter bridesmaid, but it is actually true. As a single person, you can completely focus on working on you in the context of what God wants you to be. I look back on my life and I have had an amazing life. I have traveled the world, and I have been able to be very carefree. I know that if I ever get married that I will be able to look back on my life without regret.

I know people who get married young and start families young have had more time to grow together and will be empty-nesters when they are relatively still at an age that is young (mid 40s). I think that is ideal for some people. I guess for me God realized that would have been one of those young brides who would have woken up one day to my family and husband and gone reeling with some deep rooted psychosis that would make me end up on the Oxygen Network show “Snapped.” The truth is I am full of wanderlust and adventure. I haven’t met many men who can appreciate that kind of quality in a woman. I need someone who wants to be a free spirit with me, but can also keep me grounded when necessary.

My prayer right now: Lord refine me in the way that you intended to serve your purposes and make me into the woman that my husband is currently praying for. Also, please bring me the person I need, not just the one that I want.

That last line is imperative. What I want changes from day to day, but God knows who I am and who I will be in the future. I want him to bring me a person with whom I can grow. I want for us to inspire each other to do great things and be better Christians. My desire is that we have servant leadership in our home. Most importantly, that we have fun doing the robot and singing karaoke every Friday night… That’s what’s hot.

I want one of those marriages that will help other couples aspire to be examples of Jesus’ love for the church. I don’t want it for sake of pride or to be envied, but to give the enemy a swift kick in the crotch and say “up yours, God made marriage and it works you jerk!”

Well I have faith that God CAN do this. Where God will have to help my unbelief is that he WILL do this in MY life. I want to believe this, but I am having trouble right now. My mom is so encouraging. With every notion of “hey mom I have a boyfriend!” she excitedly says “I think he is the one!” Then it dies… LOL… I laugh because it is kind of funny. I think the next guy, which has to be the last Lord, forreal I ain’t got time for all this heartbreak, will be totally secret squirrel until we walk down the isle and I say “OHH YEAAAA… I am in a relationship and we are getting married now yay!”

During my trip this past weekend, I had these wonderful God moments where he just wrapped me in his arms and showed me his love and then……. there would be a couple holding hands and cuddling right in front of me. It totally stole the moment sometimes, but thankfully that didn’t happen a lot.  I have FINALLY gotten past the whole Facebook envy thing. Mainly because I know the truth. Everyone’s life on Facebook looks glamorous, but I am sure if I knew the whole story about the people who look happy on there I would run so fast in the opposite direction. I want MY life and no one else’s.

Lord, I want a different focus… I don’t want this to be something that is weighing down my life because honestly, there is so much other stuff to be done and new adventures to be had. I want those adventures. I want to continue to look back at my life with no regrets.

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