Life is life. It’s expected, surprising, interesting, boring, exciting, sad, defeating, and hopeful. All of this bundled up in a not-so-neatly-wrapped package. I think the most frustrating thing about life is many times just when you think that things have promise, it falls apart. It’s like that crack in your windshield that you think will just stay at the corner begins to spreads across the full length of your windshield over time. That crack poses a threat to anyone in the vehicle. One short stop or bump could fracture the windshield so badly that it falls in on you while you are driving, causing you to have a terrible accident (possibly even fatal).
This is the story of my life. I have to admit to you that I am so, so…sooo….soooooo very tired. Not really physically, but I am emotionally drained. More specifically, the past 4 years have taken a lot out of me because of matters of he heart. I feel like I have given, and given and I don’t really have much to show for it in a tangible way (I did gain wisdom, which is invaluable…I have gotten LOTS of that, so I will still count the time as blessed).
This year, I experienced a whirlwind of an adventure. I felt so sure about a lot of it and I think I made some promises to myself that I couldn’t keep. I imagined too deeply and kept those dreams too close. There were hidden cracks and they began to spread, closing in on each other. Looming fatality. The adventure ride was fun and exciting at times. At the same time it was underwhelming and disappointing. It was definitely time to get off.
I would say my heart is in pretty bad shape right now.
This comic is pretty true of what has transpired from December 2012 – December 2013 (inspired from comic from www.zenpencils.com):
I am not sure that I am truly living, or if I am just waiting for some ethereal milestone. It has really forced me to evaluate my priorities. One priority that has definitely been lacking is…me.
I have not been a priority to myself.
I must keep moving.
Who am I , really?
The invincible summer is that which the Lord has given me. It is reality that never changes – the fact that I belong to God. God loves me. (and you too)! He wants the best for me. He is the source of my joy (not to be confused with happiness – joy is based on fact of salvation and happiness is based on feelings and feelings are not fact). I need to be a priority so that I can truly embrace my identity not only as a Christian, but as a one loved so deeply it brought death to The One who loves me most for the sake of saving my life.
So… today… the first day of winter is also the first day of my summer.
The summer is my peace in the broken pieces.